Its been awhile since I have been here. So much time has past, in the meantime I have learned who is a friend and who really isn’t. One of the best things that has happened is that my daughter in law lets me see my grandson Greyson, he is 2 months old and cute as a button. I hope that I get to be in his life for a long time.
A person who I really thought I of as a brother decided that I was fucked up. He actually said that I sold my kidney to get things from 30. Filip said I was holding his family in bondage because of it. I never wanted people to know, I told them that it was their story to tell if they wanted to. The day it happened Tomo, Vicky and Ivana all told everyone about it. It was viral before I was out of recovery. Now 4 years later, here I am being told that I am holding the family in bondage and per Filip why would some stranger even want to do that for another stranger. I loved Filip, he was my brother, I considered him, Tomo and Ivana family. Obviously they don’t. My heart it broken yet again over this.
Then as some know 30 was on Jimmy Kimmel. I didn’t go, I was on Hollywood Blvd hoping that it was all over and I saw Frenchie. Now I must say that I have to say I have come to realize that she is probably one of the most loyal friends that I have and I didn’t realize it until that day. I asked her if it was a good show and she said yes and they are doing a signing. She grabbed my arm and said lets go. Well due to recent events I really didn’t want to be there.
Bobby and Adam Alt came out and it was great, hugs and just niceties, it made me feel a lot better. I saw some people that I hadn’t seen in awhile and was saying hello when JL came to the gate, we had eye to eye contact for ~30 seconds, there was no anger or ill will. His eyes were kind. That was so not what I was expecting. Then he announced that there would be a Church of Mars in LA the next day. He looked right at me and said “please come”
I asked my friend, well someone who I thought was my friend for her advice. She never responded. I was invited to sit with another so called friend but I was informed by yet another “friend” said I wasn’t invited to be with their group. I have learned through all of this just who is and isn’t my friend.
So all in all I have learned I don’t have many friends, the people I thought were friends really aren’t.
JL said some things today that kinda struck a nerve today.
“Laugh as much as you breathe… and live as long as you love” well I don’t feel like laughing and I don’t feel very loved so I am not sure how to take this phrase right now.
“Love as long as you live” I have tried to love every one unconditionally and I have to say that I have been hurt so many times. There is a song on the new album: The Race “hearts are made for breaking and for pain” I am not sure how much more pain my heart can take.
So as it nears 4 am and I am to be up at 9 am for my first day back at work in 3 weeks, I realize I have said nothing in this post and I have said everything if one is listening.
I have no yearning to see people who really aren’t my friends, who play the game and pretend. I don’t need pretend friends I have had my fill of those. I have learned since having this kidney surgery who is and isn’t a true friend. And 4 years later I have learned even more.
My heart is wounded to the point that I am not sure it will recover, there are just too many wounds. Too many scars that are deep.
My son, this band who I gave everything I have only to be cast aside, people who I truly thought were friends both here in the states and those abroad, my head, my heart, my health, my everything. I have not much left to offer or look forward to.
I will leave for now and challenge everyone who hasn’t listened to “Love Lust Faith + Dreams” by 30 Seconds to Mars to take a listen. Its very diverse and I am sure there is a song in there for just about everyone.
Take care……. till next time