My heart was broken long before March 18th but on that day I believe it really broke. My grandson Greyson Wayne Turk was born. He is adorable. So adorable I could eat him up, hold him forever and will love him until the day I die, he could help fix that stupid heart of mine. I would visit him every day if I was allowed to, but due to a failed grandma test that wont happen. Makes me sad. I hope he has a great happy life, filled with love, peace, and joy. But most of all that his parents tell him that no matter what it is in life he wants to do its ok. They will support him, be it acting or a painter or anything.
The sad part is that I will get to see very little of him. At the beginning of this unplanned pregnancy I was informed by my son I had to pass a grandma test. Broke my heart. I guess I didn’t pass. But I will see him in pictures and hopefully I will get to see him now and then.
I have come to realize I really am living the life of just the shell of a human. I had a friend that said “life is short and to have fun where you can.” Very good rule to live by however, when you cant find any fun, happiness or joy anywhere then this statement means absolutely nothing. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to look at the new morning sun with hope and anticipation, now I look at it with gloom and sadness and wish for it to go away.
I recently tweeted this broken heart + broken soul + broken dreams + broken hope= skeleton of a person. This is exactly me. I read once a person actually died of a broken heart. I wonder how broken it has to be for one to actually die. Once upon a time everything I touched turned to gold. Life was good. I had many friends. I enjoyed their company even if they were 1000 miles away. Life and space has drifted us it seems just as with the separation of the countries over the centuries but see I wont live for centuries *thank God*. I really wanted to see France again I loved it there before, it seemed so real, new, just exciting. I have person while we arent what one would call a friend that you go out and do things with, I do consider him a friend. This friend said things would always be ok with us, I was his vagabond traveler. The first time he said it I was upset because I thought it was a put down but then found out it was a special endearment for him. For some reason that I just dont know why, things arent right. I want nothing more than 5 minutes just to talk to ask why, when and what the fuck happened. Also the conversation with the other who told me that if there was anything wrong I could always go to him and to never doubt. But when I did both those things, I was cast aside. It only added to the broken heart + broken dreams + broken promises + broken soul= skeleton of a human.
I go to work, I do my job, I will shortly have a new manager who hates me so my current position that I love will be gone. So even that is gone joy is gone for I liked what I did. I did a good job, the nurses depended on me hell, even a Chemo Dr wouldn’t talk to another pharmacist. I guess he will have to learn.
My other son and his girlfriend of 2 years are moving back to Arizona which if anyone who knows Kory having the same girlfriend for 2 years should be in the Guinness Book or World Records. This should be a good thing, but I don’t want to be a burden and while I love my children dearly, I have no interested in paying for their constant needs I know that is completely selfish but I have spent my entire life giving for my children and there has to be a point where that stops. But with insurance they will all get a nice sum and that will be that.
I miss my special friends so very much and they don’t give a shit. It hurts daily.
If I was a murderer, a thief, a terrible person well I could understand all these things. However, I am not and I do know that. I am basically a good person. My biggest fault is I care far too much. People mean a lot to me. The people in my life.
Another reason why I want to be gone because no matter what I always come back. I miss them. If I am permanently gone then I can not miss them.
If a person named Pie reads this I truly miss you and am sorry about France but I had told you I really wanted to stay thru the leaving. I know we haven’t been the same since but I think of you everyday and I hope you are well, and your life brings you everything you dream of.
I love my Netherland friends. They are truly the best. I have to say they really have never judged me. Accepted me for me. Let me be me. Pofershites and all. I missed them this year. hah. Only Jo is missing in this picture. We have had a lot of great adventures
My Austrian friends. I never seem to get to chat with them. I miss you.
I have a special Swiss friend that no matter how much time has passed she always is there with a hug. How I love you Claudia and my French/Irish/English friend Marie if only she would quit moving!!!
There is one special American who thanks to here I got to go on this fantastic journey thru Europe a few years ago because she didn’t want to travel alone. What happened for her is true happiness and for that I am so happy. She now lives in London and is happily in love with someone.
So parts of my life in the past have been wonderful. It’s the present that is gone, unbearable and full of nothingness. No matter what I try, hope for it fails, dream for it fails, wish for it fails. The pain of the morning turns into the agony of the evening. only to be dulled by wine. This is not a life. This is not an existence. This is the shell of a person who once loved life, loved everything about it and couldn’t wait for the next adventure.
Its night again, learning new techniques on things to come and how to make all of this come to pass. The day was spent in a blur which was exactly the way I wanted it. I want all the days to be a blur until there are no more days.
I miss Greyson, I wish I could see him every single day. I would just hold him and cuddle him and watch him sleep and change. They change so so much and I am going to miss it all.
Recently a person who I consider a friend, did these one word questions these questions got me really thinking: Who are you?, What are dreams?, Best photo ever?, What is love? , and more. Not sure why he is asking all these random question perhaps for a book or whatever but it really got me to thinking. And I guess in a way made me realize just how empty my life was because with each question, I sank deeper and deeper.
So I guess this ramble is at the end for now. To all who have gotten this far, thank you very much for getting this far xoxo