When there are no more dreams left to dream because your biggest dream was taken away

As I lie here staring into the black abyss of the darkest part of morning,  I know soon the black sky will turn into the different shades of blue as the sun climbs over the Superstition Mountains saying hello to Arizona. Pretty soon the sky is filled with an array of colors: blue with hints of red and orange.  I stare out into the morning light disappointed in a way because this means that tomorrow has turned into today. Yet another day, a day of broken dreams, broken promises, wishes that wont come true.  The nobody in the back of the room, the ghost in the corner, the illusion that people think they see out of the corner of their eye yet when they turn their attention my way, they see right through me as if I am not there.

My dreams as a child were washed away many years ago by endless nights of silent tears.

My dreams of today are about the same, the tears stream down my face silently. Sometimes I sob in the shower when no one will hear.  I lived in a dream world I guess because I thought I was happy.

Oh how I thought everything was just finally getting a bit easier, my dreams, hopes for the future for me, my kids, my life everything was so full, I was happy. I could handle any challenge that came my way.  I traveled, made friends, saw some of the best parts of the US and the world. I should have known that this happiness was only temporary, false, a figment of my imagination.  Then…….. Just as with a house of cards my dreams came tumbling down. Friends, family, work, life. It’s as if a card was taken out of the base of the house or like that game Jenga when you pull out the incorrect block and it all comes crumbling down

So as I sit here watching the sun come up, lying here in my room watching the sun move from the east to the west.  When I am alone with my thoughts, I just want my thoughts to stop. I want the pain to go away.  I try to keep busy everyday so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts.  I dislike 90% of the people I work with but its better than just being here alone with my thoughts.  As I lie here watching the day go by and hoping that no ones comes knocking or calling. The dogs bark, Stanley is chatting, I should really spend more time with Stanley.

I wrote this part on New Years Eve
as I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight here in my time zone, I cant help but ponder this past years events.

The wrongs I have done to those and the wrongs that have been done to me. Isn’t this the time of reflection? While we should reflect throughout the entire year most of us do not. I know I do at times but more so on this eve.

While I do not have your gift to put me thoughts and words into song, I also don’t have your gift of destroying peoples lives. Yes Jared you have destroyed many lives. While I know you don’t care, and that baffles me to no end really, you also have to gift to restore the faith of life in so many.

I know you didn’t chose to be this person, however due to who you are, what you say and do to the countless people you talk to on stage, through your music, on twitter, kyte (when it was around), now VyRT, you have enveloped the role of this person who can make or ruin peoples lives with the stroke of the keyboard.

Yes I have wronged many people in my life, this past year as well as years gone by. Just as you have. We shouldn’t dwell in the past however, the past is what makes us who we are in the future. For no matter what the past will catch up with us and when that day comes we will have to face that past however painful that is and come to terms.

I too know you have wronged people you are human, you are not perfect no matter what all those people on facebook, twitter, and VyRT say. I refuse to call you Master or my King. I have great respect for you and Shannon but I will not put you on a pedestal like that. You are a human being. You pee, shit, fart, and eat just like the rest of us.

So as the time draws near, I very much want to wish you a great 2013. I want to apologize for the wrongs I have done to you and Shannon in 2012 and I am hoping that I will be forgiven. I know that the trust we had will take time to rebuild and that it will be a road to get there. I am willing to trudge that road. I pray to God you both care enough to allow me to trudge that road and give me the opportunity to prove that I am indeed worthy of your respect and friendship that we had for the past few years.

Here’s to a new album, a new year, a new start, a new future, a new hope, a new clean slate

It’s finally dusk off in the west there are colors of the setting sun as it whispers good night to Arizona……..

Its 3 am and I am still awake. I am going to take sleeping pills because I want to…. I don’t want to say hello to the dawn. I am tired of saying good morning and good night.

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2 responses to “When there are no more dreams left to dream because your biggest dream was taken away

  1. I hate that you are feeling this way. I wish I could pop round to yours, give you a big hug, with the tissues ready for the inevitable tears, pop the caps off some beers & provide an ear to rant to. Please understand as much as I don’t know you personally I don’t want you disappearing from my social networks. Please don’t give up believe me I truly understand how shit life can get, but please stay strong & please seek help if you need it. There is no failure in spending time to look after yourself. Take care Xx

    • Thank you for your kind words, its very hard because others get to use Jared and Shannon’s names at will for whatever they wish. And then to see all these things happening and know I cant be a part of it. My timelines on twitter and fb are full of Jared, Shannon and 30 and I cry everyday. I cant even hardly work any more. Its tough to put on a smile everyday when part of you dies just a little bit.
      Thank you for responding and thank you for caring.
      I am planning on going to France in July to see a friend that I met thru 30. If you plan on going to a show I perhaps we will meet. it would be nice. Or one day we can skype.
      xoxo Noele

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