The fire-pit ~ the beginning of putting things in order.

I have wanted a fire-pit for may years. This year one of my kids gave me one. So now I can start getting things in order.  Things that I don’t my kids to have to bother with all the stupid details or insignificant papers lying around. Nor do I want them to know about some of the things I have done or the things I have in my room, so tonight I started getting rid of 10 years of memories and dreams.  Dreams that I actually was living, for close to a decade. When I was seen, I actually got a smile. Was singled out amongst a crowd of people. When I asked for a song to be played, it was played. It was nice, it made me feel like I belonged, that I mattered.

We don’t choose the family we are born into, however as we grow older, we often find ourselves making a new family. I loved this family, this group of people who are so different and the heads of this household are just as kooky as we are. All the silly times.  The countless times of screaming out a song night after night and finally him coming over saying “patience is a virtue” smiling all the way, then playing the song requested the next night. The night I was filming someone else and took my eye off of him (big mistake) and he landed right on me and my camera ended up recording the ceiling. There are so many memories. In Liverpool when he was so sick he jumped into the crowed with Artemis. My one arm on the barrier supporting his foot and my right arm holding Artemis up high so as the fangirls could not get to it. He looked down at me, and said please don’t let go, don’t let go. I said I wont, Artemis is safe. As he was unhooking Artemis’ straps we made eye contact and I could see how thankful he was because he knew I was there only to help.  My eyes are sore from crying as I write this. These memories hurt, they tear at my heart, they hurt me to my very soul. Sometimes I can’t hide this as well because the eyes are the doors to a person’s soul and when people decide to look me in the eye, they can see the pain if they choose to. So on these days I avoid people. Where did that J go? Where did that friend go?

So back to the fire-pit… I need to clean up my life. To help the kids so they don’t have the burden to go through all the seemingly endless crap I have. Where did I get so many fucking pens?? Oh yeah I am a pharmacist. LOL. What an assortment of pens, pencils, paper, and stuff I have when drug reps could give out that stuff. The fire-pit is amazing, it glowed with such pretty colors, I had forgotten my general chemistry and how things of different properties/colors burned differently.

I miss my family, I miss you all here and abroad. I remember in 2011 going to France and deciding to stay extra days in all the cities. Wandering on my own. Loved every second of it. Going to the shows, seeing friends, Claudia, Larissa, Veronica. Sitting in the cold in France after the show in Lyon singing and dancing with the French Echelon. We were the entertainment for the crew. What was funny was that the security left but we were such good people and stayed outside the fence until the crew came to join us and played singing games with us. Shannon fed us pizza, fruit and candy. He teased me with a banana and that I will never forget. These were the best times and the times I will miss. These are the times that will never be again. So many times Shannon would come out and for some reason I would be the only one who got a hug and a picture. I could call him Mr Diversion and he would smile at me.

My closets are next, all the band shirts, old t-shirts, old clothes in general are going to Good Will or if I can get them to Haiti I will. The house is almost paid off, no car payments, so it’s just a matter of cleaning out the trash.

My dad used to laugh at me and my mom saying we had to go door to door collecting trash. He just couldn’t figure out where all the trash came from in one week.  To this day that makes me laugh.

One of the things I found tonight was an old menu from when you and I had an impromptu lunch. Remember Tea Garden on Melrose? The place that had the Koi pond in the middle of the garden out back and all those wonderful teas. It was the place you could sit right on the patio or there were the secluded little garden areas separated by bamboo plants. It was a nice surprise, calm so peaceful, quiet and just awesome. The next time I went there it was closed and that made me really sad not because I would never have lunch there with you again but because I absolutely loved the place. But you can still order the teas online last I heard.

There are (lost my train of thought for a sec) so many people I have met who I seriously thought would be in my life forever. Anita, AJ, Jen, Lisa, Diana, Pie, Ken,  to name a few. I know most were also way younger than me but I still thought these people were going to be there forever. In every chapter remaining. I have people in my life now that well I wonder if they will be there forever. Angela, Shawn, Kerstin, Claudia, Sam and Penny, Larissa, Jenna, Patricia, Korey, Jo, Nicola, Liz, to name a few. A few I work with but actually I dislike all but perhaps 5 out of 70 I work with. But I believe in a respectable working relationship and that is what I give to the techs and pharmacists I work with even though it is not reciprocated.  I have a friend in Germany, I love Germany just as much as France,  who told me she has a dream where Shannon came up to me and was very nice and was very sorry for what has been going on. Oh if only these dreams came true.

Which brings me to perhaps the most heartbreaking of them all. There is someone whom I love dearly, I actually love the entire family. I guess one of the family members has decided I am not worth the time. Even after 2 years of trying to reconcile and try to figure out why I let him down,  nothing. But the rest of the family has been what I thought was very great, solid and forever. However, this year I gave them a wind chime. I said to my friend I hope that when the wind blows and the chimes sing, they will think of me. I also said that I hope that someday I would get the honor of spending a Christmas or Thanksgiving with them. I never received a response and didn’t realize that until I commented on something else 2 weeks later. And I told my friend (who I thought I could tell anything no matter what) about the issues I had with two brothers. His reply was it’s never “all” Noele, That is not correct. Some will always love you and some will not.  Sometimes its just can not be our way and it’s what it is. If you just relax a little maybe it will be less bumpy, what do you think?  My response was I don’t know because I don’t know what I did for all this to come about, so I don’t know what to stop, what to relax, what to hope, what to believe, what to think, what to dream, what to plan, what to wish, it all makes me cry to think about.

Of days gone by, of a time when I was seen with a smile and now???  Who knows because I don’t know what I did for all this hatred.  Perhaps it was only meant to be for this between you and me and for that I will be forever eternally grateful.

My friend in turn said “I am the grateful one, anyway our story is ours is and will never connect to anything else. I must understand that people can’t handle sacrifice of that proportion. People love us more when there is less pressure. I told him: my heart is not bad, I don’t know what I did. I don’t know how to hate because it hurts me to have bad feelings. It hurts me that we don’t talk. I live with my heart on my sleeve, I don’t know any other way. What happened between J and S and I hurts me to the bone and I don’t understand. I don’t know what I did. It’s not wrong to care, it’s not wrong to believe, it’s not wrong to love. And no matter what even with T I still care, love and believe and it hurts. If I stop believing, loving and caring then I have nothing and I will just as well shrivel up and die.  That is who I am, that is me and it crushes me because whatever happened I still have no knowledge of it. My friend: Noele: listen to me, if there’s anyone on your side it is me. I have experience and you do not want to hear me……. it is simple…. caring is wonderful but if it is not wanted we MUST stop.  Me: I don’t know  how to not care and I don’t understand WHY THEY don’t want ME to care when they want OTHERS to care.

That was the last contact I have had with one of the most important people in my life. Me asking to be part of their holidays and also him saying they don’t want me to care well that is just like the end of it. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am a shell of a person who walks the earth. When I allow myself to feel anything all it is pain and sorrow. I haven’t felt happiness is forever. Sure I pretend for people, people who will not look into my eyes because if they did, they would certainly see the complete emptiness and hopelessness that is in my soul.

I go to work everyday and go home and don’t even remember some days what I did. There are days that I just want to get in my car and drive away and never go back to anything that I know. But that isn’t fair to my children because they deserve some sort of monetary settlement. I am sure I wont be missed for anything else except that.

Is there anyone out there who has ever wondered what it would be like to drive head on into traffic? Cant tell you how many times I have thought that but alas, I promised to keep my sisters car in tip-top shape so it would have to be a rental. hmmmmm.

Well I guess I have rambled on enough, like anyone has gotten this far anyway but if you have thank you for reading and have a great day.

toodles.

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