Ever wonder

Today was one of those days that well I didn’t want to be here and almost wasn’t. I am writing this as my next round of sleeping pills kicks in because as I said I really didn’t want to be here and besides it’s too early in the morning to be up.. Who am I writing this for some may ask? NO one but myself. Am I sitting here crying for sympathy, attention? UMMM big fat NO. This is my blog and I can write what I want.

I was hoping 2013 would be better than 2012 but so far its worse. NO I haven’t given it a good enough try, that ole team spirit as they say but I am tired of trying, crying, hoping for the best, wishing on a star, when nothing changes day after day, year after year. And after what transpired at the end of 2012 that carried over into 2013 well again, I am tired.

Yes its only Jan 20 but shit I am miserable. I know there are others out there who have it worse. Trust me I see them everyday of the week when I am working. I see pain and suffering and hopelessness every fucking day. Yet they trudge on, I’m sorry call me a coward a loser. But I am tired of treading water. I’m tired of a mother that loves me on day and then the next I am the spawn of Satan. A son who is so selfish I can’t believe I raised him. I want a new couch but don’t want to move this one. I want a new bed but again don’t want to move the other one. I just don’t care anymore. When I see an airplane, I wish I was on it going anywhere but here. When I am in a car there are times I wonder what it would be like to just drive into oncoming traffic.

Today it was kinda surreal. As I was slipping away in what just turned out to be a long sleep, I felt a different feeling, like this could be finally the end, the last breath. It was at first. I was like OMG, get up, no you don’t want this. But then I thought yeah you do, its kind nice its peaceful. So I allowed myself to dive right in, accept the darkness, the peacefulness of the darkness, my breath slows and as I fade out I wonder if this will be my last and what will it feel like when all the breaths stop and all the air is gone from my lungs.

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