All on the table.

As I was on my way home last night, I took the train and had quite a long time to think. When I was a kid I didn’t care who thought what of me. I had such a different outlook on life, on myself, on the world. I believed in myself and I guess humanity as a whole. More so myself I guess, after I got married, I had 3 kids, got divorced and went to school on my own. My self esteem was so much higher than it is today.  Everyone could go fuck themselves for all I cared.

Then something happened 10 years ago and I thought , until recently, that it was a good thing because they had the same beliefs and the same thoughts on life as I did. However as I look back now I was foolish to completely delve into this with both feet. I have never trusted completely so I have asked myself over these last few weeks why this time? Perhaps it was for the simple fact that I was to meet the one person who is worth all of this, Damir. I didn’t actually meet him when I first started following the band, they hadn’t moved to CA yet. I hadn’t heard of the cafe yet as it didn’t exist. Ironically, my coworker told me about this place a few years ago. She loved the place, good food, great people. I had no idea who owned the place.  After a few years,  I learned who owned the place and the connection to the band. It didn’t matter to me and I had become friends with their son. People started telling me I was using them to get to the band that I was this evil person. It was the 1st time of many that I started doubting myself. I wonder if I had never started following this band would I have a better outlook on life? Would I have better self esteem, better self awareness? However, if that was the path that I had taken I never would have met Damir and given him a kidney. Yes that’s right, I gave Damir a kidney and not to get closer  the band, not to get free stuff. But because Damir is an incredible person and he needed to be around to see his kids get married, to see grand babies be born and this world needs more Damir’s in it. Damir has made my life richer, more meaningful.

I have to say there are other good things about this band that have happened. I have met some of the most fantastic people in my life, people that I will always be grateful that are here, people that no matter what will put up with me, my moods, my ups and downs and still be there and be happy to call me a friend.  Some of them even call me family and in turn they are my family. And if it wasn’t for this band, I wouldn’t have met these people. Also, I love to travel, always have and because of them I traveled and met even more terrific people.

This goes to out to the band. I really really do care about all of you. Each of you are so special is such a different way.

Tomo and I haven’t always seen eye to eye and that’s ok because you have very special qualities in life and bring so many things to this band that no one else could ever bring. You have so much energy and life and when you want to you can be so funny.  When we get along its great and when we don’t its sucks balls because then I feel bad about seeing your parents.

Shannon has always been so kind, he has taken time even in a room filled with people he would stop and chat, take notice, say a kind word, make me feel like I actually meant more than just a “fan” to him. At Mars300, when I gave him a book of pictures he stopped and looked at every page. In France when he looked around the room to see who he wanted to start with, he started with me he asked how I was doing and actually listened. He smiled at me from his kit and well I respect him so much. Him I respect more than anyone else.

Then there’s Jared, he and I are kinda alike in so many ways which makes all of this even more complicated. He is a nemesis, there are times that I thought he hated me, then there were times he would just laugh at me. In Chicago, we talked and I had been giving him a hard time about something and he returned the banter. People were like “ooh he’s pissed”,  so just before he left I asked him are we ok? He said always we will always be ok. I believed him, I really did. Then a year later a friend and I made him screw up singing the Kill and he actually laughed at us on stage. It was quite funny (I am smiling now remembering that day in Tahoe) plus that was the time he was calling me names with Molly and Eiko. What a fun time. I wish those days were days that were consistent, that were part of the day to day not just the few and far between because there are more odd, awkward days then the fun days. In France in 2011, again the gossipers were on the loose and I went to the source, Jared, and asked again are we ok, I have heard differently. He said no we are fine and we will always be.

Well here we are about a year later and boy have the tables turned. To this day I am not sure exactly what happened. No one will tell me, no one will share. I have asked, pleaded but nothing. Just removed from the family, put in the back of the room, in the shadows with the others who have been outcast from the family.  The ghosts of a family that Jared dreamed about in 2002 and succeeded in forming but somehow lost his way. He says we are to have Faith and that Faith is all we need. My question to you Jared is how much Faith do we need? How much Faith and time do we need to wait till our penance is paid?  I know that I have no idea what I have done, and others might know what they have done but I do know the people I have talked to genuinely want to be a part of The Echelon, The Mars Army, The Family.

Will I ever have the relationship that I had with you all before? Who knows but one thing is for certain, my life will never be the same.

Was I meant to follow this band to meet Damir who changed my life completely. Thanks to him, my life is richer and more meaningful. If all that was ever to come out of this was to meet Damir and give him a kidney then I am thankful to Jared, Shannon and Tomo for everything.

Jared, Shannon, Tomo I miss you terribly so much so that my heart hurts most of the time. I don’t know how I let you into a part of my life that not many people are allowed into but you did and I don’t know how to get you out.

I thank you for all the terrific people that are in my life because of you, all the places I have been and the places I will be. The trip wont be as fun if you aren’t part of it with me.

To all my friends here and abroad, thank you for being in my life, thank you for everything you have done for me and for all your ears when I had no one else to turn to.  My life is much more richer because of all of you.

jared and me PA

tomo and me utah
shannon and me boston

3 responses to “All on the table.

  1. I will always love you! I’m so glad I had the opportunity to meet you. Whenever I think about Nashville I smile because that was some of the most fun I have ever had. I love you dearly even though I don’t communicate like I should I am so glad to be part of your life.

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