For some reason this has taken me all day to write. Terrible headache for 3 days now but there is no one to take care of my animals as all the kids are away if I was to go to the ER. Anywho…. As the end of 2012 comes to a close I find myself reflecting on this year and really am I happy with the way things turned out? Hmm, cant really say I am. Not much has happened that was great in my life. I lost some great friends in Anita and AJ who I thought would be more than just a chapter in my life. I miss my friends who are overseas and while because of the recent events by the so called band who I was cast aside, I may still try to go see them over in Europe because I miss my friends so.
I have to say Bobby Alt, Adam Alt, Frank Zummo, Justin Immatura, Nikki G and John Sawicki from Street Drum Corps have been a blessing in my life as well as Shawn, Jenna and Angela. Without these people I dont know if I could have made it.
A special thanks goes to a very special friend in France, Patricia Tannes, she has been there for me anytime of day 7 days a week. I was scared for her, she had brain surgery this past year and also suffers from the same headaches I do.
Then there is my dear friend Damir. He will always be someone that I can never ever explain to anyone just how much he means to me. Never a day goes by that I dont think about him. He truly is a blessing in my life, my life is richer and more meaningful because of him.
Cant forget my daughter Kali who moved back home but is moving out sometime in 2013. I have always encouraged my kids to follow their dreams, do the things they want to do while they are young before they are married and have kids. Live life today for tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Its funny because again today there was yet another words of wisdom from Jared Leto.. “its not for everyone, it’s for those who understand.” Sigh. Once again this makes me sad because I am a believer, I do understand, I followed all the rules, did the missions, didnt upload illegal videos or music, reported those that did. Supported the band and crew 100%. Yet I was ostracized, outcast for who knows what and yet the people who do download illegal posts of music and vids, speak poorly of the band and crew are kept in the family. I dont understand. To this date not one person has the balls to even tell me WHY I was banned in the first place. I have asked and no one will answer.
On Dec 3 Jared Leto posted this: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said and what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” ~ Maya Angelou How true this is.
A friend of mine told me to go to a US show and perhaps after the show at the buses I would be able to have a conversation with Shannon Leto like I did in Minnesota like I did before. She told me that things would probably never be the same as they had been in the past. I have to agree because as the saying above goes, I dont really think I will ever forget how they have made me feel.
I was looking at some pictures on facebook from one of my favorite families and I know that no matter what, not matter how many times I am told by them how much they love me, I will never be invited to a Christmas with them. No matter how many times they say I am part of their family, I will never be that close enough to be invited for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It hurts me but its something that I am going to have to get used to.
So the following pictures are as follows: Dear Sally who had lymphoma and died in May. She was so good, sweet and loving dog. She had her own Glyph and Triad necklace in hopes that it would give her some inner strength. She died in May. They are with her in her box of ashes.
This next picture are my Glyphs and Triad that I took off at the beach which symbolized my three favorite things. The beach (my therapy) and my necklaces. My Triad was cut off me when I was hospitalized last February and a very special person sent me a new Triad because one shouldnt be without a Triad. This Triad also is the reason I met a great friend in France, at the train station of all places!! She sat down next to me we were waiting for the same train she saw my Triad and the rest they say is history. Her name is Patricia Tanne. She is like a sister to me. The Glyph came later and I snatched it up because I so wanted it. I wore them proudly everyday to work, gave me the chance to share 30 Seconds to Mars to anyone who asked. And people asked me every day! It gave me great pleasure to share. I would let them listen to a song or two on my ipod and if they liked them, I have extra CD’s that I would give them.
Since the outcasting, I have taken off the Glyph and Triad pendants. Its cold outside so I wear long sleeves, therefore, my glyph tattoo doesnt show either. I have also removed all the songs off my ipod. All these things break my heart, put tears in my eyes as I write this as I still care when I shouldnt but I do. I care, I care a lot.
I miss wearing these, I miss Sally, I miss the Echelon, I miss Jared, I miss Shannon, I miss 30 Seconds to Mars, I miss VyRT, I miss it all.
I am angry that I dont know what or why any of this happened and no one has the guts to tell me. IF Jared and Shannon are the stand up guys that they are said to be then why havent either one of them taken the time to even send me even just a little note. I deserve an explanation. For everything I have done I deserve and explanation.
I AM GOING TO MISS THIS!!!!